We're all mad here

I feel pretty sick though, I can’t tell if it’s the Luvox or if it’s because I stopped taking Celexa or a combination of the two.

CAN I PLEASE JUST HAVE ONE FUCKING DAY WHERE THINGS ACTUALLY GO DECENTLY. NOT EVEN GOOD. JUST DECENT. I JUST WANT ONE DAY WHERE I DIDN’T WISH I WAS DEAD. 

For the past week the new psychiatrist I’m seeing told me to cut my Celexa dosage in half, and today I’m not supposed to take anything at all so that tomorrow I can start Luvox.

I’m so frustrated for so many reasons. 

First of all:

I feel like it’s pointless for me to tell my friends what’s going on with me. At first everyone was so concerned and what not, and now, I tell them things and it’s like they don’t even get phased. They don’t get that when I say I’m suicidal that I really am, when I say I have PTSD, they look confused. Idk what to do. I know that sometimes people just wont understand and there’s nothing that I can do about that. But I feel like what is the point anymore. Things are getting really hard and I just can’t take the constant anxiety 24/7. 

Second:

It’s really hard when I try to tell people about how lonely I feel and that I wish I wasn’t single or at least could feel that even if I met  guy who was interested I would be able to have a normal relationship. My friends get to fuck whoever they want and keep telling me the right guy will come along. You don’t know that, so stop telling me that. I’m not like any of you who if they are feeling lonely they can hit up a guy and have sex with them. I can’t offer a guy that and I sure as hell know I’m not going to find a guy who wants me for my “great personality”. Even when I was seeing someone who I had been seeing on and off for years, he didn’t understand. At first he was nice about everything, and caring, and didn’t push me. Then after a while, if I said get out of my shirt, or stop, he wouldn’t. He knew I had OCD and that I was molested, but still, he would keep going after I said no on many occasions. So maybe it’s pointless for me to even want a guy. I have too much baggage, and no one wants to get to know me unless it means they will get sex out of it. 

So basically, I’m at a loss. Maybe if I don’t make it through this, people will see my blog and know what I was going through. 

The people in group make me anxious. As in their actions, their anxieties rub off on me and make me more anxious. If someone is fidgeting it makes me crazy.

So I was joking around with my friends sister and she put her hand over my mouth to get to me stop teasing her….

I hope this one works.

I don’t know really how. I was just talking about the things I wish that I could do if I didn’t have OCD like touch people etc. and she asked basically how I started to get so bad and I mentioned how something bad happened to me when I was younger and Idk she just started to tear up. I felt bad that I made her sad :( but she told me that she wishes that I can heal and that she commends me 

I will be starting an iop program tomorrow. Three hours a day three days a week.

I showered and went to sleep, doing everything in my routine. Then an hour later I woke up with food poisoning making me have to get up in the middle of the night. Then I had to shower all over again and wasn’t back in bed until 5:30 in the morning =( 

im going to start soon and i dont know what to expect.