Wasn’t a good night last night :/ but I’m doing better now
CAN I PLEASE JUST HAVE ONE FUCKING DAY WHERE THINGS ACTUALLY GO DECENTLY. NOT EVEN GOOD. JUST DECENT. I JUST WANT ONE DAY WHERE I DIDN’T WISH I WAS DEAD.
I’m so frustrated for so many reasons.
First of all:
I feel like it’s pointless for me to tell my friends what’s going on with me. At first everyone was so concerned and what not, and now, I tell them things and it’s like they don’t even get phased. They don’t get that when I say I’m suicidal that I really am, when I say I have PTSD, they look confused. Idk what to do. I know that sometimes people just wont understand and there’s nothing that I can do about that. But I feel like what is the point anymore. Things are getting really hard and I just can’t take the constant anxiety 24/7.
Second:
It’s really hard when I try to tell people about how lonely I feel and that I wish I wasn’t single or at least could feel that even if I met guy who was interested I would be able to have a normal relationship. My friends get to fuck whoever they want and keep telling me the right guy will come along. You don’t know that, so stop telling me that. I’m not like any of you who if they are feeling lonely they can hit up a guy and have sex with them. I can’t offer a guy that and I sure as hell know I’m not going to find a guy who wants me for my “great personality”. Even when I was seeing someone who I had been seeing on and off for years, he didn’t understand. At first he was nice about everything, and caring, and didn’t push me. Then after a while, if I said get out of my shirt, or stop, he wouldn’t. He knew I had OCD and that I was molested, but still, he would keep going after I said no on many occasions. So maybe it’s pointless for me to even want a guy. I have too much baggage, and no one wants to get to know me unless it means they will get sex out of it.
So basically, I’m at a loss. Maybe if I don’t make it through this, people will see my blog and know what I was going through.
This. I must rant:
Six years ago, before everything started, I was a brilliant kid. I would draw, write, play the piano and everything came from the inside, nobody taught me (my parents were against it) and it made me happy. Slowly, depression sneaked in, and I started losing my talent, the very little I had. Before that I would pass all my tests without even looking at the testbook. Now I can’t concentrate and I fail practically everything, I can’t play more than 5 minutes straight the piano and my creativity is absolutely gone, which has left me with nothing, because art was all I had. I sleep way too much and wake up tired. So I went from a kid who shined and was admired to someone who is constantly disappointing people, because they expect me to be as good as I was before, and I aren’t anymore.
I can’t. I can’t study, I can’t rest, I can’t create. Literally, a part of me is dead, and I can’t help it. It makes me so sad.
(via l-e-v-e-l)
I will be starting an iop program tomorrow. Three hours a day three days a week.
things that are scary
My friends from home have no idea what’s been going on with me or how suicidal my thoughts have been. If I were to kill myself, they would have had no idea what was going through my head.
has anyone done group therapy before?????
im going to start soon and i dont know what to expect.
I don’t think all my friends realize how serious my illness is sometimes. Yesterday I had to shake someone’s hand and they laughed at me. I said it wasn’t funny and they disagreed. So I said “okay well when I go cut myself tonight.” and they still think its a joke. Like seriously. Sometimes I just want to do it out of spite so people can realize my mental health isn’t a joke.
It’s been decided that I will be admitted to a hospital when school is over.
Something always brings me back to you…it never takes too long.
So my Mom is having an appointment with my therapist and psychiatrist at school so they can talk about how bad I’m getting. Should be interesting.
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I’ll still feel you here ‘til the moment I’m gone.
You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your reign.
Set me free, leave me be. I don’t want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I’m supposed to be.
But you’re on to me and all over me.
I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you’re everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you’re neither friend nor foe though I can’t seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you’re keeping me down.
You’re keeping me down, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
You’re on to me, on to me, and all over…
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
Sara Bareillis
;
So about the semicolon project, drawing one on my arm would mean actually drawing attention to my scars. So no I will not post pictures on Instagram to show that I know my life isn’t over.
Numb
Sometimes I hurt myself just to try to feel something. I smile but don’t feel happiness, I laugh but don’t feel joy, I don’t feel remorse or guilt. I can’t cry and I don’t get upset anymore. I feel like I go through motions but don’t actually feel like I’m in my own body. I feel like I’m underwater and everything is muffled.
