We're all mad here

I’m really tired but I need to shower first. I know I’m going to have to wash my hair like 5 times and clean the rest of my self at least 3 -___- then tomorrow I have to get up to see a new therapist, where I’ll have to re-explain everything about me having ocd. Then I’ll have to spend the whole day feeling dirty. 

On top if it all I have my period which means dealing with more unnecessary grossness. 

It’s so much safer in my room where it’s clean.

I’m so fucked. I need to wash my clothes.

I can’t go to a laundromat because I could never use the washing machiens that the public uses.

My stepdad is away so we can’t get a new one until next weekend.

Why do these things happen to me, why?

Just when I was thinking oh maybe I’ll go to bed now, I took a shower, and then when I got into my room I couldn’t think straight until I cleaned it and re organized. I literally felt like I couldn’t breathe. Everything was so messy and needed to be fixed. 

I don’t want to seem rude so I do it even though I feel so dirty afterwards and have to wash my hands. 

Between spending money on hand sanitizer, rubber gloves, cleaning supplies, and soap; I’m going to go broke. 

A guess I had some sort of break through yesterday in therapy. We were talking about why it would be so awful for me to touch a door knob. The obvious answer is the germs, but she meant why are the germs so bad. After talking out loud about it I realized why I don’t want other people’s germs:

If I allow myself to get other people’s germs from touching them then I feel like I am allowing myself to be put in danger and in an uncomfortable place. I also stated that by touching door knobs ect, I feel like everyone that has touched it is touching me without my permission. So by exposing myself to these things ( door knobs, people, bathrooms) I am volunteering myself. I guess what I am trying to say is that I feel violated. I don’t want others to touch me because I feel that they are violating me. 

This lead to my therapist asking if I have ever had intimacy problems that could have lead to why I might think like this. Which freaked me out because in my last relationship I was making myself have sex with my ex boyfriend only because I didn’t want to upset him even though I didn’t feel attracted to him anymore and I didn’t want him even coming near me.

Basically I’m a mess. 

I like purell better that germ x. Germ x makes your hands sticky and it feels gross.